Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay
May 21, 2005
Overall Highlights:
· HARDBALL!!!
· Star Wars Fans
· TV Funhouse
· The Vicente Fox/Al Sharpton commentary on Weekend Update
Overall Lowlights:
· Appalachian Emergency Room
· Weekend Update, of course
· Angry Italian Girlfriend
· Car Ride Home
· Fucking Bear City. THIS is what they close the season with???
· Overall, a weak season finale. No surprise for this year, but this didn’t even feel very season finale-ish or have any send-offs for any castmembers, which was disappointing because there are A LOT of castmembers who need to be leaving this summer.
CASTMEMBER COUNT DOWN:
ARMISEN: 5 sketches (Star Wars Fans / Appalachian Emergency Room / Weekend Update / Prince Show / Angry Italian Girlfriend)
DRATCH: 6 sketches (Woomba / America’s Next Top Model / Star Wars Fans / Appalachian Emergency Room / Weekend Update / Angry Italian Girlfriend)
FEY: 3 sketches (Woomba / America’s Next Top Model / Weekend Update)
FORTE: 4 sketches (Hardball with Chris Matthews / Star Wars Fans / Prince Show / Angry Italian Girlfriend)
HAMMOND: 5 sketches (Hardball with Chris Matthews / Star Wars Fans / TV Funhouse / Appalachian Emergency Room / Angry Italian Girlfriend)
MEYERS: 3 sketches (America’s Next Top Model / Star Wars Fans / Appalachian Emergency Room)
PARNELL: 5 sketches (Hardball with Chris Matthews / Star Wars Fans / Appalachian Emergency Room / Angry Italian Girlfriend / Car Ride Home)
POEHLER: 7 sketches (Monologue / Woomba / America’s Next Top Model / Star Wars Fans / TV Funhouse / Appalachian Emergency Room / Weekend Update)
RUDOLPH: 7 sketches (Hardball with Chris Matthews / Woomba / America’s Next Top Model / Appalachian Emergency Room / Weekend Update / Prince Show / Car Ride Home)
SANZ: 2 sketches (America’s Next Top Model / Angry Italian Girlfriend)
MITCHELL: 3 sketches (America’s Next Top Model / Star Wars Fans / Appalachian Emergency Room)
RIGGLE: 2 sketches (Star Wars Fans / Angry Italian Girlfriend)
SUDEIKIS: 1 sketch (Angry Italian Girlfriend)
THOMPSON: 5 sketches (Star Wars Fans / TV Funhouse / Appalachian Emergency Room / Weekend Update / Prince Show)
2004-2005 YEAR-IN REVIEW
Best Episodes:
1. Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age
2. Luke Wilson / U2
3. Topher Grace / The Killers
4. Paul Giamatti / Ludacris featuring Sum 41
5. Jason Bateman / Kelly Clarkson
Worst Episodes:
1. Paris Hilton / Keane
2. Hilary Swank / 50 Cent
3. Kate Winslet / Eminem
4. Cameron Diaz / Green Day
5. Robert DeNiro / Destiny's Child
Best Hosts:
1. Will Ferrell
2. Paul Giamatti
3. David Spade
4. Jason Bateman
5. Ben Affleck
Worst Hosts:
1. Paris Hilton
2. Robert DeNiro
3. Tom Brady
4. Cameron Diaz
5. Kate Winslet
Best Sketches:
1. Celebrity Jeopardy
2. Hardball with Chris Matthews (from 01.15.05)
3. Jasper the Giant Parrot
4. All the various Donald Trump promo shoots
5. Merv the Perv’s High School Flashback
6. Condoleezza Rice Hearings
7. The American Trainwreck Awards
8. Sean Penn’s Celebrity Roast
9. The Best of T.T. & Mario
10. Rodney Dangerfield at Heaven’s Gate
Worst Sketches:
1. All the gay stereotype sketches
2. All the Kaitlin sketches
3. Tom Brady’s Falafel City
4. Marc Anthony & J.Lo after the Grammys
5. Office Push-Up Contest
6. Action News Crew
7. All the Maya Rudolph singing sketches (minus The Best of T.T. & Mario)
8. Sofa Warehouse
9. All the Starkisha sketches
10. All the Debbie Downer sketches
Best Cold Openings:
1. All the Hardball with Chris Matthews sketches
2. Will Ferrell Backstage
3. The Bush Twins after the Inauguration
4. New Osama Tape
5. nothing
Worst Cold Openings:
1. Michael Jackson in Neverland
2. Kim Jong Il press conference
3. A Message from Tom Delay
4. The Papal Debate
5. Dirty Terrorist Names
Best Monologues:
1. Paul Giamatti
2. Ben Affleck gets a talk from Alec Baldwin
3. Ashton Kutcher and the elderly Demi Moore
4. Johnny Knoxville’s week at SNL
5. Jason Bateman and Amy Poehler promote Arrested Development
Worst Monologues:
1. Kate Winslet
2. Queen Latifah sings with the Scat Cats
3. Paris Hilton’s dog talks to Kenan Thompson’s dog
4. Tom Brady showcases his talents
5. Luke Wilson’s day out with Horatio Sanz
Best Commercials:
1. Swift Boat Veterans
2. Excedrin for Racial Tension Headaches
3. me-Harmony.com
Worst Commercials:
1. Dr. Porkenheimer’s Boner Juice
2. Grayson Moorhead Investments
3. Cheapkids.net
Best TV Funhouse Cartoons:
1. Sexual Harassment and You
2. Michael Jackson
3. Shazzang
Worst TV Funhouse Cartoons:
1. Fun with Real Audio: John McCain
2. Bush’s Uniter machine
3. Santa skips the Red States
The Cast:
FRED ARMISEN
Best Performance: as Jasper (Jasper the Giant Parrot)
Runner-Up: as Tony Danza (The American Trainwreck Awards)
Worst Performance: as Billiam (Gays in Space)
RACHEL DRATCH
Best Performance: as Dot (Dot the Old Hooker)
Runner-Up: as cry coach (Seasons of Love)
Worst Performance: as Debbie Downer
TINA FEY
Best Performance: as Barbara Bush (The Bush Twins after the Inauguration)
Runner-Up: as Misty Peppers (Key Party)
Worst Performance: Weekend Update (from 02.19.05)
WILL FORTE
Best Performance: as Zell Miller (Hardball with Chris Matthews)
Runner-Up: as young Lorne Michaels (Weekend Update)
Worst Performance: as himself (Queen Latifah’s monologue)
DARRELL HAMMOND
Best Performance: as Donald Trump (various sketches)
Runner-Up: as Chris Matthews (Hardball with Chris Matthews)
Worst Performance: as John Travolta (Oprah)
SETH MEYERS
Best Performance: as Barry Shirtsworth (Action News 13)
Runner-Up: as Mr. J (Coolest Teacher at Benton Township High School)
Worst Performance: as Deaf Judge (Deaf Judge/Idiot Doctor)
CHRIS PARNELL
Best Performance: as Mervin Watson (Merv the Perv)
Runner-Up: as Simon (Public Speaking Class)
Worst Performance: as Thad (Gays in Space)
AMY POEHLER
Best Performance: as Barbara Boxer (Condoleezza Rice Hearings)
Runner-Up: as Sally Harrison (The Couple That Should Be Divorced)
Worst Performance: as Kaitlin (various sketches)
MAYA RUDOLPH
Best Performance: as Paris Hilton (Paris Hilton Apologizes)
Runner-Up: as woman at the bar (Jaguar Spokesperson)
Worst Performance: as Jennifer Lopez (Marc Anthony & J.Lo after the Grammys)
HORATIO SANZ
Best Performance: as Carol (Key Party)
Runner-Up: as Gino (Coolest Teacher at Benton Township High School)
Worst Performance: as Dennis DeYoung (Tom Brady’s Falafel City)
FINESSE MITCHELL
Best Performance: as Morgan Freeman (Weekend Update)
Runner-Up: as Donovan McNabb (various sketches)
Worst Performance: as Starkisha (various sketches)
ROB RIGGLE
Best Performance: as Leviticus (Weekend Update)
Runner-Up: as Howard Dean (Hardball with Chris Matthews)
Worst Performance: as father (Mother’s Day Brunch)
JASON SUDEIKIS
Obviously, it’s too early to really put anything for him…
KENAN THOMPSON
Best Performance: as Bill Cosby (various sketches)
Runner-Up: as Wilma McNabb (various sketches)
Worst Performance: as sofa delivery man (Sofa Warehouse)
And finally…
My List for Who Should Return Next Season In Case There Is (hopefully) an Overhaul:
Fred Armisen
Will Forte
Seth Meyers
Amy Poehler (as long as she’s as far away from the Update desk as possible)
Kenan Thompson
And possibly Rob Riggle and Jason Sudeikis, if the writers actually give them some funny roles for a change instead of basically using them as extras.
Hopefully, the 2005-2006 season will be a big improvement over this one, and I’ll go back to doing my full sketch-by-sketch reviews that I used to do.
See you next year.