Paris Hilton / Keane
February 5, 2005


Best Episodes:

1. Luke Wilson / U2

2. Topher Grace / The Killers

3. Queen Latifah

Worst Episodes:

1. Kate Winslet / Eminem

2. Robert DeNiro / Destiny's Child

3. Liam Neeson / Modest Mouse

Best Hosts:

1. Paul Giamatti

2. Ben Affleck

3. Queen Latifah

Worst Hosts:

1. Robert DeNiro

2. Kate Winslet

Best Sketches:

1. Jasper the Giant Parrot

2. Hardball with Chris Matthews (from 01.15.05)

3. Condoleezza Rice Hearings

4. tie - Donald Trump’s Halloween/Christmas Apprentice promos

5. tie - The American Trainwreck Awards / Rodney Dangerfield at Heaven’s Gate

Worst Sketches:

1. Kaitlin at the Mall

2. Scaffold Disaters

3. Christmas with the Cat Lady

4. Pat ‘N Patti’s Slacks, Snacks, & Knick Knack Shack

5. Wake Up San Diego

Best Cold Opening:

1. Hardball with Chris Matthews

Worst Cold Openings:

1. Dirty Terrorist Names redux

2. The First Bush/Kerry Debate

Best Monologues:

1. Paul Giamatti

2. Ben Affleck talks to Alec Baldwin

3. Colin Farrell’s pick-up tips for the male cast

Worst Monologues:

1. Kate Winslet

2. Queen Latifah sings with the Scat Cats

3. Luke Wilson’s day out with Horatio Sanz

Best Commercials:

1. Swift Boat Veterans

2. Excedrin for Racial Tension Headaches

Worst Commercials:

1. Dr. Porkenheimer’s Boner Juice

2. Dyson Toilets

Best TV Funhouse Cartoon:

1. The X-Presidents

Worst TV Funhouse Cartoon:

1. Fun with Real Audio: John McCain

Best Weekend Update Commentaries:

1. Ritchie B & Marcus

2. Brett Hull

3. tie - New Jersey Resident (James Gandolfini) / Leviticus

Worst Weekend Update Commentaries:

1. The Ghost of Babe Ruth

2. Brad & Abe Scheinwald

Best Weekend Updates (by default):

1. Fey & Poehler, Brett Hull, Lindsay Lohan, Colin Farrell (from 12.11.04)

2. Fey & Poehler, Martha Stewart, Finesse Mitchell (from 10.09.04)

3. Fey & Poehler, New Jersey Resident, Ben Affleck, Sir Elton John (from 10.02.04)

Worst Weekend Updates:

1. Fey & Poehler, John Ashcroft, Doug Stradley, Ritchie B & Marcus (from 11.13.04)

2. Fey & Poehler, Rachel Dratch, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger (from 01.22.05)

3. Fey & Poehler, Leviticus, Brad & Abe Scheinwald (from 12.18.04)

The Cast:


· Best Performance: as Jasper (Jasper the Giant Parrot)

· Runner-Up: tie - as Tony Danza (The American Trainwreck Awards) / as Ritchie B (Weekend Update)

· Worst Performance: as himself (Queen Latifah's monologue)


· Best Performance: as Dot (Dot the Old Hooker)

· Runner-Up: I honestly can't come up with anything else - she's barely stood out this season

· Worst Performance: as Martha Stewart (Weekend Update)


· Best Performance: as Barbara Bush (The Bush Twins after the Inauguration)

· Worst Performance: Weekend Update (from 11.13.04)


· Best Performance: as Zell Miller (Hardball with Chris Matthews)

· Runner-Up: as Andy (Reinhold Investments, a.k.a. "Oh No!")

· Worst Performance: as himself (Queen Latifah's monologue)


· Best Performance: tie - as Bill Clinton (various sketches) / as Donald Trump (various sketches)

· Runner-Up: as Chris Matthews (Hardball with Chris Matthews)

· Worst Performance: as Tim Russert (Brokaw and Russert adjust the electoral map)


· Best Performance: as Mr. J (Coolest Teacher at Benton Township High School)

· Runner-Up: as John Kerry (various sketches)

· Worst Performance: as Brad Scheinwald (Weekend Update)


· Best Performance: as Mervin Watson (Merv the Perv)

· Runner-Up: tie - as Jim Lehrer (various debate sketches) / as Tato the butler (Bizarre Art Dealers Apartment)

· Worst Performance: I can't come up with anything


· Best Performance: as Barbara Boxer (Condoleezza Rice Hearings)

· Runner-Up: as Jenna Bush (The Bush Twins after the Inauguration)

· Worst Performance: tie - as Kaitlin (various sketches) / Weekend Update (any episode)


· Best Performance: as Condoleezza Rice (various sketches)

· Runner-Up: as mistress (Jane Eyre)

· Worst Performance: as Joyce Ann Golden (Wake Up San Diego)


· Best Performance: tie - as Gino (Coolest Teacher at Benton Township High School) / as Manuel Pantalones (Show Biz Grande Explosion)

· Runner-Up: as Carol (Key Party)

· Worst Performance: as Chubb Hotty (Rap Night with Chubb Hotty)

The Featured Players:


· Best Performance: as himself (Weekend Update, 10.09.04)

· Worst Performance: as Starkisha (Anti-Bush Starkisha)


· Best Performance: as Leviticus (Weekend Update)

· Worst Performance: as panelist (Condoleezza Rice Hearings)   only because he had nothing to do or say and seemed totally out of place


· Best Performance: tie - as Cliff Huxtable (Weekend Update) / as Marcus the interpreter (Weekend Update)

· Worst Performance: as Star Jones (Star Jones prepares for her wedding)


And now, finally, the review...

[COLD OPENING] American Idol


· The auditions with Will as the torso, Fred as the voice-box guy, and Horatio as the girl.

· All of Simon's put-downs.

· Rachel's appearance at the end as the messed-up baby.


· None.

Grade: B

[MONOLOGUE] Paris Hilton's dog talks to Kenan Thompson's dog


· At least they barely gave Paris any actual airtime during this, as this focused mostly on the dogs.

· Kenan and his dog had a few funny lines.


· A lot of the dogs' lines weren't that funny and this mostly fell flat.

Grade: D

[COMMERCIAL] #1 (I'll just review all three commercials under this one)


· These had a funny line or two and the first one was the funniest of the three.


· These didn't turn out as good as they could've been, and I kept waiting for something really funny to happen.

Grade: C-

[SKETCH] Versace in Switzerland


· Horatio as Elton John and his Swiss Chocolate joke.


· Ugh... It's Versace, so what do you expect?

· What was with the "To be continued...?"  ending. That had me worried that they would actually continue the sketch later in the show, but since they didn't, there was no point to the ending.

Grade: D-

[SKETCH] Starkisha buys a new purse


· Kenan was the only funny thing about this, with his stealing habits, the Bugs Bunny line, and the way he was dancing at the end.


· Ugh... It's Starkisha, so what do you expect? (man, I could do this all night)

Grade: D-


[SKETCH/COMMERCIAL] Exclusive Connections


· A pretty clever premise.

· Each of the phone calls to the different types of nerds, especially the Star Trek one with Horatio giving himself a "vulcan nerve pinch".


· The Dr. Who ending was weak.

Grade: B+

[NEXT WEEK] February 12, 2005: Jason Bateman

[SKETCH] Trump & His Kids


· Darrell's Trump impression is always good.

· Out of the castmembers playing Trump's three sound-alike kids, Seth probably did the best Trump imitation (Fred's was okay, and Maya's wasn't good at all).


· The premise with the kids sounding/acting like Trump didn't work and this got really old after a while.

· They wasted Darrell's Trump in this. He didn't even get that many funny lines like he usually does.

Grade: D


[WEEKEND UPDATE] Fey & Poehler, Donavan & Charline McNabb, The Little People from Elliott Gould's Moustache


· The Donavan & Charline McNabb segment was pretty good and Kenan was hilarious.

· Tina's luggage joke.

· Amy's Super Bowl halftime joke.

· Tina's Queer Beer joke.

· The part toward the end of the Little People segment, when Fred asked the ladies to shake their chests and rub themselves.


· The State of the Union jokes.

· Amy's first Michael Jackson joke.

· Amy's phone bit.

· The rest of the Little People segment was weak.

Grade: C

[SKETCH] Merv the Perv's high school flashback


· Good to see Merv the Perv again. I didn't think much of these sketches the first few times they used this character, but they get funnier and funnier each time and now I love all of his dirty lines.


· None.

Grade: A-


[SKETCH/COMMERCIAL] Rafael Alonzo's ITF Technical Computer Institute


· Fred's character was great.

· All the basic stuff about computers Fred listed off.


· None.

Grade: B

[SKETCH] Inside Barbie's Dreamhouse


· The "made in China" line.

· The random Barbie commercial jingle playing after one of her toys was mentioned.


· This was boring and nowhere near as funny as the first one with Britney Spears.

Grade: D


[SKETCH] Bar Pick-Up


· None.


· Man, this was really, really bad. Completely laugh-less and kept dragging on and on.

Grade: F

[FILM] Bear City 


· None.


· Ugh... It's Bear City, so what do you expect? (I just had to use that line one more time tonight)

Grade: F


Overall Episode Grade: D

Overall Highlights:

· American Idol

· Exclusive Connections

· Merv the Perv

Overall Lowlights:

· Paris Hilton, of course. Hey, Paris... Deion Sanders and Steven Seagal called - they wanted their "great" hosting skills back. This was probably the worst episode of the season so far, and considering how weak this season has been in general, that's really saying something.

· Monologue

· Versace in Switzerland

· Starkisha buys a new purse

· Trump & His Kids

· Inside Barbie's Dreamhouse

· Bar Pick-Up

· Bear City

Best Lines:

· Horatio Sanz as female contestant: "I know I can sing. Everybody I know says so."

    Chris Parnell as Simon Cowell: "Well, get yourself a new 'everybody you know'."

· Kenan Thompson as Malik: "Yo, you just got Bugs Bunny-ed!"

· Tina Fey:  "A man identified as an NYU professor was detained at LaGuardia Airport Thursday after human remains were found in his luggage. However, he was let go when he told authorities the body parts were teaching tools. Said the professor, 'Teach that bitch to cheat on me.'"

· Tina Fey: "The Swiss beer company has launched a new drink aimed at homosexuals called Queer Beer. They hope it will sell better than Mike's Hard Bi-Curious Lemonade."

· Paris Hilton as cheerleader: "This is gonna be harder than I thought."

    Chris Parnell as Merv the Perv: "I'll tell you what's NOT going to be harder than you thought..."

· Rachel Dratch as student: "If you keep talking like that, I'm gonna get Ms. Quang over here and have you expelled."

    Chris Parnell as Merv the Perv: "Hey, if you get Vice Principal Quang over here, the only thing that's gonna get expelled is half an ounce of Merv juice."

    Amy Poehler as student:  "Real mature, Merv."

    Chris Parnell as Merv the Perv:  "More like premature, but I recover quickly."

· Chris Parnell as Merv the Perv: "I'm looking to play a little handball - your hand, my ball. Who's there?"

· Amy Poehler as Old Barbie: (to Ken, regarding New Barbie): "Did she show you her 'Made in China', you sick pervert?"


ARMISEN: 6 sketches (American Idol / Monologue / Exclusive Connections / Trump & His Kids / Weekend Update / Rafael Alonzo's ITF Technical Computer Institute)

DRATCH: 4 sketches (American Idol / Exclusive Connections / Weekend Update / Merv the Perv's high school flashback)

FEY: 2 sketches (Exclusive Connections / Weekend Update)

FORTE: 2 sketches (American Idol / Inside Barbie's Dreamhouse)

HAMMOND: 1 sketch (Trump & His Kids)

MEYERS: 8 sketches ( #1 / Starkisha buys a new purse / #2 / Exclusive Connections / Trump & His Kids / Merv the Perv's high school flashback / #3 / Bar Pick-Up)

PARNELL: 6 sketches (American Idol / #1 / Starkisha buys a new purse / #2 / Merv the Perv's high school flashback / #3)

POEHLER: 8 sketches (American Idol / #1 / #2 / Exclusive Connections / Weekend Update / Merv the Perv's high school flashback / #3 / Inside Barbie's Dreamhouse)

RUDOLPH: 9 sketches (American Idol / Monologue / Versace in Switzerland / Exclusive Connections / Trump & His Kids / Merv the Perv's high school flashback / Rafael Alonzo's ITF Technical Computer Institute / Inside Barbie's Dreamhouse / Bar Pick-Up)

SANZ: 3 sketches (American Idol / Versace in Switzerland / Exclusive Connections)

MITCHELL: 4 sketches (Versace in Switzerland / Starkisha buys a new purse / Weekend Update / Rafael Alonzo's ITF Technical Computer Institute)

RIGGLE: 1 sketch (Rafael Alonzo's ITF Technical Computer Institute) 

THOMPSON: 5 sketches (American Idol / Monologue / Starkisha buys a new purse / Weekend Update / Rafael Alonzo's ITF Technical Computer Institute)

A lot of the cast got plenty of airtime tonight, including Maya in an unusual amount of 9 sketches. It was good to see Parnell in particular in a lot sketches for once, as he's been VERY underutilized this season. I hope his increase in airtime tonight wasn't just because it was his birthday.  Hopefully, he'll get lots to do for the rest of the season as well. And lastly, for the second episode in a row, Rob Riggle had no lines at all the whole night. Just when it seemed like they were starting to give him more to do, too.


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