Elijah Wood / Jet
December 13, 2003

(COLD OPENING) "Hardball with Chris Matthews"


-- HARDBALL!!!!!

-- Plenty of hilarious lines from Darrell as usual.

-- Amy's Hillary Clinton impression was surprisingly good.

-- Darrell's facial reaction after Kenan as Carol Moseley Braun's comments.

-- Parnell as Lieberman trying to talk in slang.


-- None.

Grade: A+

(MONOLOGUE) Gollum joins Elijah Wood for his monologue


-- Chris Kattan's cameo as Gollum. Like I said in my Kelly Ripa review, I normally would complain about Kattan coming back on the show, but I don't mind as long as he plays his funny roles like this, Gelman and Buddy Mills, and not his usual annoying roles.

-- Gollum's jokes about SNL and the cast.

-- The preview of the Frodo/Gollum sitcom.


-- Elijah copying Gollum's gimmick at the end bombed.

Grade: B+

(SKETCH) High-voiced choir members compete


-- Forte singing always makes me laugh, and Jimmy and Elijah's singing was also funny.

-- Several funny lines.

-- Elijah's singing breaking the kid's glasses.

-- Forte and Jimmy punching Elijah in the groin to get his high voice back.


-- None.

Grade: A

(NEXT LIVE EPISODE) January 10, 2004: Jennifer Aniston

-- Even though I hate Friends, I'm happy to see her hosting again. Her last episode was one of my personal favorites and she was a surprisingly great host.

(SKETCH) Queer Eye guys give Santa Claus a make-over


-- A clever idea for a Queer Eye parody.

-- The made-over Santa on TV at the end.

-- The little kid saying the made-over Santa looks like Kathy Bates.


-- Some weak parts at the beginning.

Misc. Comments & Observations:

-- Fred looked just like the guy from Queer Eye he was playing. Too bad he didn't have any actual lines

Grade: B

(TV FUNHOUSE) Fun with Real Audio: President Bush


-- Nice to finally see Smigel back. He hasn't had a cartoon on since the season premiere.

-- Surprisingly good for a "Fun with Real Audio". I usually don't like this format, but this one was a lot funnier than usual.


-- None.

Grade: B+

(SKETCH) "Wake Up Wakefield"


-- Horatio's usual funny part as the teacher.


-- Everything else.

Grade: D-


-- No comment.

(WEEKEND UPDATE) Fallon & Fey, John Mayer, Whitney Houston, Bobbi Kristina Brown and Bobby Brown


-- Jimmy's Pearl Harbor joke.

-- Tina's WNBA joke.

-- Jimmy's Punk'd joke.

-- Jimmy's John Mayer impression.

-- The contraceptive pills bit.

-- Jimmy's ecstasy joke.

-- Tina's gay slogan joke.

-- Maya pushing Kenan away and Kenan eating chicken during the song.


-- Tina's Britney Spears joke.

-- Tina's Bush joke.

-- Jimmy Fallon Explains What You Did.

Grade: B+

(SKETCH) Versace's Christmas


-- Elijah looked hilarious as Boy George.

-- Horatio as Rosie O'Donnell drinking the eggnog.

-- At least this was shorter than usual.


-- The usual tired stuff with Versace.

-- The ending was weird.

Grade: C-

(SKETCH) "Howard Dean for America"


-- Good to see Darrell's Gore back again, though something about the voice seemed slightly different this time.

-- Some great lines.


-- Dragged during some parts here and there.

Grade: B-

(SKETCH) Rialto Grande


-- This sketch is always funny, and it's good to see it back one more time. Kattan's Buddy Mills voice seemed even funnier than usual tonight (hmmthe 2nd sketch in a row tonight where a recurring character/impression sounded slightly different). I don't know if that was intentional, or if he was really having throat problems or something.

-- Fred as Mackey.


-- None.

Grade: B


-- No comment.


-- Good to see the cast skating at the ice rink again. This is probably the longest ending credits I can remember seeing on a live episode without it getting cut off.


Overall Episode Grade: B

Overall Highlights:

-- Hardball.

-- The preview for the Frodo/Gollum sitcom.

-- High-voiced choir members compete.

-- TV Funhouse.

-- Elijah Wood as Boy George.

-- Several lines in Howard Dean for America.

-- The cast skating at the end.

Overall Lowlights:

-- Wake Up Wakefield.

-- Tina's long Bush joke on Weekend Update.

-- Versace.

Funniest Single Moment:

-- The Frodo/Gollum sitcom preview.

Best Lines:

-- Darrell Hammond as Chris Matthews: "Al Gore endorsing your campaign? Isn't this a little like Star Jones endorsing your diet plan?"

-- Darrell Hammond as Chris Matthews: "Also joining us -- the very mention of her name sends Rush Limbaugh stampeding for the Mexican pharmacy -- Hillary Clinton."

-- Darrell Hammond as Chris Matthews: "You're just about as hard to read as Jessica Simpson's autobiography."

-- Darrell Hammond as Chris Matthews: "Joining us now to talk about the race for the White House is an actual candidate who has about as much chance to win the presidency as Carol Moseley Braun, please welcomeCarol Moseley Braun."

-- Amy Poehler as Hillary Clinton: "It's conceivable that I have already assembled an all-star shadow cabinet consisting of John McCain, Tom Hanks, Rudy Giuliani, Bruce Springsteen, and Tiger Woods."

-- Chris Parnell as Joe Lieberman: "If you're looking for someone who can energize the party, Joe Lieberman is that cat. I am a hardcore, hip-hop, rock-and-roll candidate. I bring in the noise, and provided as fiscally responsible, I shall bring in the funk as well. And that, my fellow Americans, is fo shizzle."

-- Elijah Wood: "Gollum wrote a sitcom pilot for the two of us, but every network passed."

Chris Kattan as Gollum: "UPN gave us a maybe!"

-- Jimmy Fallon as high-voiced choir member: "Suck my vocal cord, Manvell."

-- Chris Parnell as announcer: "If you thought you knew Santa Claus, wait until the queer guys from 'Queer Eye' zush him up. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus, and he's glam-tastic."

-- Seth Meyers as Kyan Douglas: "She's [Mrs. Claus] like 'Let me check out that Christmas package'."

Jimmy Fallon as Carson Kressley: "Yeah, she just wants to get some of that 'South Pole'."

-- Jimmy Fallon: "Last Sunday marked the 62nd anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. President Bush marked the occasion with a White House ceremony, while the Bush twins marked the occasion by downing 10 kamikazes."

-- Jimmy Fallon: "Ashton Kutcher says he's ending his series, 'Punk'd'. More bad news for anyone disappointed by this: You're a moron."

-- Jimmy Fallon: "Two high schools in Portland, Oregon have banned pacifiers over concerns about the drug ecstasy. Though perhaps a more effective measure would be to ban ecstasy."

-- Tina Fey: "A growing number of cities across the country are presenting a gay-friendly image to lure lesbian and gay travelers, including Philidelphia, New Haven, and Bloomington, Indiana, whose new slogan is 'Come out and play'. While New Jersey is sticking with their ambiguous slogan, 'Suck on this, America'."

-- Darrell Hammond as Al Gore: "As Paul Krugman has pointed out in the New York Times, George W. Bush is not only the worst president in American history; he is the worst leader of any nation on Earth going back more than 500 years!"

Jeff Richards as Howard Dean: "Really? I mean, I'm no fan of President Bush, butwhat about Hitler?"

Darrell Hammond as Al Gore: "Number 3."

Jeff Richards as Howard Dean: "Pol Pot???"

Darrell Hammond as Al Gore: "Number 6."

-- Darrell Hammond as Al Gore: "As president, only a Howard Dean could end this insanity. Only a Howard Dean could go to Saddam Hussein and say 'Look, why are we fighting each other? Our real enemy is George W. Bush!'"

-- Darrell Hammond as Al Gore: "That's because under Howard Dean, Vermont became the first state in the nation to recognize gay marriage."

Jeff Richards as Howard Dean: "Civil unions, not marriage."

Darrell Hammond as Al Gore: "Basically the same thing."

Jeff Richards as Howard Dean: "You're not helping"

-- Chris Kattan as Buddy Mills: "My wife tried wearing one of those thongs. It looked like a bookmark in the middle of 'War and Peace'!"


DRATCH: 3 sketches (1: Queer Eye guys give Santa Claus a make-over; 2: Wake Up Wakefield; 3: Rialto Grande)

FALLON: 4 sketches (1: High-voiced choir members compete; 2: Queer Eye guys give Santa Claus a make-over; 3: Weekend Update; 4: Rialto Grande)

FEY: 2 sketches (1: Weekend Update; 2: Rialto Grande)

FORTE: 1 sketch (1: High-voiced choir members compete)

HAMMOND: 2 sketches (1: Hardball with Chris Matthews; 2: Howard Dean for America)

MEYERS: 1 sketch (1: Queer Eye guys give Santa Claus a make-over)

PARNELL: 2 sketches (1: Hardball with Chris Matthews; 2: Queer Eye guys give Santa Claus a make-over)

POEHLER: 2 sketches (1: Hardball with Chris Matthews; 2: Rialto Grande)

RICHARDS: 1 sketch (1: Howard Dean for America)

RUDOLPH: 4 sketches (1: Wake Up Wakefield; 2: Weekend Update; 3: Versace's Christmas; 4: Rialto Grande)

SANZ: 2 sketches (1: Queer Eye guys give Santa Claus a make-over; 2: Wake Up Wakefield)

ARMISEN: 2 sketches (1: Queer Eye guys give Santa Claus a make-over; 2: Rialto Grande)

MITCHELL: 1 sketch (1: Weekend Update)

THOMPSON: 3 sketches (1: Hardball with Chris Matthews; 2: High-voiced choir members compete; 3: Weekend Update)

Jimmy and Maya were the stars of the night.


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